Let Me Face, Let Me Face, Let Me Face My Fears

Here's a little update for you guys wondering what's going on in my life.

Before you ask, I'm gonna do some kinda college retrospective piece for this blog -- trust me, nostalgia is my specialty. Right now, though, I'm just kinda in a progressive head space. I'm in attack mode right now, so to speak, and I have little interest in dwelling on the past. I know that's pretty unlike me, but maybe that's just growing up. I know that reminiscence is inevitable though, so if you're the one person looking forward to such a post, fret not.

So hey, y'all. How's it going? I've been doing alright. Not great, but far from awful, to be sure. Since graduating, it's been a blend sloth-ing to the highest caliber and nonstop, full-on adrenaline fueled job searching.

You all know I want to become a lawyer, yeah? And with the stresses that come with the life of an aspiring law school applicant, it's natural that I'd want to take a break. I mean, I can't apply for next year, so it's not like I have much of a choice but to take a break. Naturally, this means I need to find employment for the time being. I guess you can say that this mindset inspired this wild little adventure I've been on for the past few days.

Remember how I said I wanted to take a trip to Japan this March? Well, that date, I guess you can say, was a bit arbitrary. I mean, saving up that kinda cash is no simple task. That's when I saw it-- that's when I, on my job hunt, saw a job posting from Disney to teach English in China. Now, believe me, I applied for that job first (which was surprisingly simple and devoid of any real formal qualifications besides a relevant bachelor's degree to boot). I have an interview with them on the 22nd, so please do with me luck!

But this got me thinking-- I wonder what would happen if I searched for ESL jobs in Japan. Well, that's when the juicy bits come in! I've tossed in a bunch of applications left and right in the general direction of every such listing, and I've received MANY responses! Last night, I actually attended an information video conference for Amity, an ESL company all over Japan, and am now scheduling an interview! How exciting!!

I'm really banking on lading this Amity job, because it's low-key been my dream to live in Japan for a while now (but I'm sure you already knew that). Now, a lot of that was just me being a weeb, but in many regards, the cultural shift I'd experience as a result of living in Japan would be such a valuable skill for my future, dontcha think? I mean, look at it this way-- the world is massive. Even though we have maps and we know the relative locations of countries, how much do we, as individuals, really know about countries beyond our own little bubble? The cultural perspective I can gain from this experience can introduce me to a culture with completely different customs and social norms. I just feel that there's so much value in venturing outside of my comfort zone, and at my age, it's now or never, ya know?

I know I kinda brushed over that whole last section, but I assure you that I'm quivering in excitement!

As for the rest of what I've been doing since graduation, I'd say I could sum it up in a couple major points.

Firstly, I've been steadily rewatching Dragon Ball Z! I watched the show as a kid, but could never get back into it in my adulthood because of how much of a slogfest it is. To be honest, that's kind of a fair assessment of the series, but I'm really enjoying myself, and I kinda get this feeling of accomplishment whenever I finish an arc. I got the complete series on blu-ray (I know, watching it in widescreen is the inferior way of experiencing the show, but it looks pretty, okay?), and I'm halfway through season 4, which puts me at about halfway through the series as a whole!

On the topic of Dragon Ball Z, I've also been playing a lot of competitive Dragon Ball FighterZ. It's been both a thrilling and soul-crushing experience, to be sure. Regardless, I'm getting better at the game, and I'm having a blast in the progress. Lestat bought the game for me on Steam, and I've since purchased the game on PS4, because more people play on PS4 than on PC.

Now, I'm just waiting for Kingdom Hearts III to come out. Dude, I've been waiting for this for like 12 years now!! I'd say I'm stoked, but that'd be an understatement. I've already pre-purchased the game at GameStop, and I'll be able to pick it up at 9-ish on the 28th, a full three hours before the game officially releases!!

I've gotta use the bathroom, so I'm just gonna sign out for now!

Thanks for the read, friend.

ttyl
Jacob

I Did College, Majored In Smart, Concocted Ways To Be Useless and Poor

It's been a while, guys!

My leave of absence this semester wasn't for my typical reasons-- I didn't forget, as I was relatively involved with my blog over the past summer. Oh, the posts that never made it to the public. Truth be told, I was an emotional wreck, and this was the only emotional outlet I had. I was a beast, howling in pain amid a room with only myself and people dumb enough to not know that blogging is a dead medium. But I'm not trying to lose half of my readers with my cynical and playfully jaded comments, so I'd like to formally apologize.

No, the reason I've been gone for so long is because I wouldn't know what to say. Sure, there are memories that I'd like to hold onto, such as my adventures with a straggler I found outside of my apartment, in need of a place to stay. I guess that I've ramped my blog, this summer, into a huge melodramatic orgy that just can't be topped. Reading my flurry of posts over the past year is cringeworthy to say the least, and honestly, I'd delete them if they weren't such an important relic of my then deteriorating emotional state.

I like to downplay this summer in my mind when comparing it to the blatantly depressing summer that came before it. The truth is, I was hemorrhaging perhaps more than ever. I had, in totality, denounced a toxic friend of mine I've known for about 10 years, was on the last legs of crippling lust for someone I was stockholmed into loving, and I was slaving away in the prison cell of La Piazza with little recourse. These were components of probably the most depressing summer I can imagine, and while I'm in no way trying to evoke pity, I hope you can understand why I needed a break for a while. The more I typed, and the more hours I devoted to reflecting on these things in my life, the lower I sank. The important thing about moving forward is that you must first relinquish the pain of the past, along with the thoughts of things you wish you'd done differently. That's what I did, and I was happier because of it.

This semester, I reminded myself what it was like to angry again. While I wasn't weighed down by loneliness like I was last semester, things are never easy when you're alone. Honestly, college has been the most trying period of my life. I guess you can say, "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

Tomorrow's the final frontier of my college career. Tomorrow is the day I've been waiting for for as long as I can remember. Tomorrow marks the last exam I'll ever take here at ECU, and with this, I'll earn my right to graduate.

I was gonna type more, but I'm actually good for now. I got all the unimportant stuff out of the way with this post, so next time, I'll have only the juicy bits to report on! :)

There's lots to talk about, so stick around!

best

Examine These, These Beautiful Faces

Wasu wasu wasu wasuuuup Bitconneeeeeect!

Only joking, of course. Not unlike the Bitconnect investors though, I'm starving for money at the moment. With these textbook costs and the fact that my mom's in rehab again, I'm kinda floating here in space waiting for a miracle to happen. Not to sound entitled, but I'm sure that my family will do everything in their power to help me make it through this semester.

This doesn't mean I'm not looking for a job for the time being; depending on other peoples' money is something I could never forgive myself for doing forever. Plus, I need to save up for that glorious Japan trip!

So yeah, the summer came to the end with a sudden screech, but it couldn't have come faster. This summer started out feeling numbing, and slowly but surely, I began to feel again. I was crushed and conquered by the sadness of mourning, but in my journey, I rekindled old, and perhaps even more important friendships than ever before. I started dating Carleigh, and I'm happier than I've been in a good while!

I went textbook shopping yesterday, and it looks like it's gonna be hella expensive. See, usually, I don't typically pick up all the non-essential textbooks, but for this semester's endeavors, I'm gonna need at least 4 different access codes for online workbooks that cost $100+ each. I can't skip out on these because you need the subscription to do the homework online. How inconvenient. It's a good thing I only have this one semester left, because I don't know what I'd do for next semester, to be completely honest. 

The new expansion dropped for World of Warcraft, and I'm really digging it at the moment. A lot of my old guildmates from Pandaria are coming back, and I'd love to join them (if they didn't all switch over to Alliance >.>). That said, I might try to get into raiding, depending on how much time I end up having! It should be fun, you know?

The relationship between Carleigh and I is really fun and interesting. I've never quite experienced this much of a battle of wits with the person I'm with. I guess it wasn't a level of immediate lust of infatuation, but more of a slow and sure build up of respect and admiration. We haven't hung out much, but I HAVE enjoyed the time we spent together.

This past Friday, I was leaving town to head back to Greenville. Carleigh wanted to see me off, so I pushed my departure back a couple of hours to spend some time with her. We decided to go to Sheetz to grab a bite to eat. The thought that I might see my ex there never even crossed my mind. Of course, I did, but I didn't say anything until she left. I won't go into detail, but she's looking alright, and I'm glad to see her in good health. I've actually been working on a piece about that particular person for likeee 2 weeks now, but I just haven't had the time to work on it with my busy schedule. Knowing me, I'll probably never finish it, but it's a bit of a passion project for me. I've just been granted some clarity in regards to the situation and what I learned from it having no longer been absorbed in the topic of that particular person.

Carleigh is what matters, and every time we're together, I learn more and more what I want in my love life. I really appreciate her, and I hope we have a long, loving, and healthy relationship.

Well, I've officially got class in 7 hours, so I'm gonna try to get some rest. This is it. This is the first day of the final semester, so wish me luck! I'm gonna need it!

bye

Jacob

I Don't Know You, But That Sounds Fresh

The end of the summer has brought with it a wave of anxiety and bitter vibes in the stream of otherwise happy thoughts.

I guess that most of these feelings are associated with the stress of my school and my mom.

A similar thing happened last summer, only more extreme. See, I wasn't able to pay for school because I missed the deadline to fill out my FAFSA, which deals with my student loans and all that. Basically, I was prepared to not go to school that semester, which brought about the anxiety of having to stay in college even longer than the extra year/semester than I needed to. Mix that with a heaping dose of depression, and you've got a deadly combo. Fortunately, things worked out just fine, so those awful feelings evaporated, almost as quickly as they appeared. I owe that to my then newfound love for Persona and meeting new people that would end up being a big part of my life.

This year, I'm kind of on razor's edge, as I just filled out the FAFSA after my schedule was supposed to be cancelled, but for some reason, they're still there. That'd be comforting news if my financial aid showed up as paid on my student account.

I'm not gonna talk about this anymore, though, because I know it's boring, but I just wanted to let you know what was going on, ya know?

Anyway, onto the exciting stuff! First, let's talk about the most recent event!

August 4th 2018 is the day that I finally asked Carleigh to be my girlfriend. I mean, it's only taken years, but I finally built up the courage. She's a wonderful person who I've enjoyed spending time with for years now. I met her my senior year of high school, when she was a freshman herself. The age gap was a little iffy back then, but I don't think that's what stopped me before. Despite that, since we're both in college and (relatively) functioning adults, the time felt right! :)

Ya boy Jacob's back in the game! I'm not going to jump into things too quickly this time. I'm just going to take all the time I need and enjoy things. I'll keep you posted with the deets.

It's funny how I always say that, but I never do. You'll hear about this one some way or another.

My mom's not doing so well right now. It's a long story, so I'll spare you most of the details, but what you need to know is that she's in a really bad place right now. She started seeing this dude, and it turns out he's not only a literal meth head, but he's also a career criminal who could be a danger to her or my other family members. He's done some HORRIBLE things to her, and that infuriates me. I hope ends up in prison for his sins, because he's lower than garbage.

School's coming around soon! This is my last week of my work, and if I'm honest, it couldn't come sooner! I should be moving back into my apartment sometime next week. A change of scenery, a new level of freedom, and a new school year is probably what I need to get myself out of this "on again, off again" slump I've been in.

If I could reflect upon this summer, I'd say it's been relatively quiet. I've been occupied with World of Warcraft and the Persona Dancing games, which is really nice, and the depression isn't grabbing at me again. I wouldn't blame last summer purely on the pills, but now I can see that they were a huge part of it. I was silently suffering, and now that I'm here, a little more than a year later, I can see how much better I'm feeling.

This year, in general, has been one of the most emotional and stimulating yet. I feel like I've done so much growing as a person, and even though I'm sitting here, typing this blog post at my computer, I can see more clearly than before that adventure, like it inevitably is, is always around the corner!

It was another short post today. Honestly, I could have gone on plenty, but I'm practicing brevity. I'm sure my serial readers will appreciate it. Fortunately, I'm seeing a rise in viewership, which is always welcome! :D

As always, I appreciate you for reading this! Have a nice rest of your day/night/morning.

I think I'll be back sooner than last time. No promises, though.

Empathy is Overrated

It's finally over. No, I'm not talking about this blog. I need this thing to stay sane.

This is going to be a short post, and I'm probably not even going to add an album cover to this post. I just wanted to let my future self and those reading know that I'm doing just fine. I've reached a particular turning point in my life, and with it has brought immense happiness and optimism.

There's this way that I perceive things that I wonder if other people share with me. See, I experience "story arcs" in my life. These arcs can last a couple of days to months. Whenever I revisit memories in my mind, I sort of experience this feeling of how that period of time through senses, but not necessarily senses I FELT at the time. Sometimes, these memories and story arcs are associated with new music I listen to. For example, when I was with my girlfriend Ashley, I started listening to I Set My Friends on Fire, and I got hooked on the song "Life Hertz". That song resonates with me, and every time I hear those slow grooves, I'm whisked away to that time in my life. Accompanying this song and these memories associated is a sweet sensation. It's almost like a smell, a taste. It's smooth and sweet.

I'm sure at least one person out there experiences something similar. I'm not very good at explaining these things, so maybe you, the reader, can relate in some way or another.

Anyway, this period of time has felt a bit bitter and dry sensation-wise. I feel like I've been struggling and gasping for air for so long now. At the tail end of this chapter of my life, I've found a new beginning. This new feeling is mellow and accompanied by dim sunlight. Even though the summer heat beats down on me every day at work, this feeling is cool and refreshing. When I've been drowning for so long, even the unremarkable feeling of hope gives me faith that a brighter future is just on the horizon.

Oh yeah, and I've been working out lately, like hardcore. Hope it goes well! :)

I just wanted to put these thoughts into confusing words on my blog before I get my much-needed rest before work today. I'll talk to you guys later.

Jacob

I Guess I Still Miss You, But Talking's For Functioning People

Hello my bloggy buddies! It's your boy Jacob coming atcha with another hot blog post!

I've been working tons lately. Like, you wouldn't believe it! I've only been back for going on two weeks, and I'm already working 5 days a week. Normally, this'd be discouraging, but I'm trying to make the best of it. I'll easily be able to pay my rent, now, among other things.

"What ARE these other things," you might be asking.  Well, I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not to you. So, basically, I've never taken a proper vacation in my life. I've never been able to choose a destination on the map and afford to go there. Well, my friends, this upcoming spring, it's finally happening!

Where do you think I'm choosing to go? I'll give you one guess.

If you said "France," then you'd be completely incorrect. See, that was my original plan, but then I started looking into it.

The flight to Japan is only $2,000, which sounds like quite a bit, but compared to the almost $3,000 for a Paris ticket, I'm starting to think Japan sounds a lot more reasonable. Japan just always felt so out of reach because of how seemingly expensive it'd be, but after having crunched the numbers, I've come to the conclusion that visiting Japan wouldn't be that much more expensive than staying somewhere in America, barring the flight ticket, of course!

I
AM
STOKED

I asked Robert to join me, because I no longer have a viable travel partner (in Chance), but he's kinda on the fence about it. Sure, he could easily get the funds together, but he really won't have time. I'm still hoping he can come, because I'm sure he'd love to, but I had to start asking around for other people to join me.

My friend Parrish is looking pretty promising at the moment; he's an Air Force man, and he can request a leave for a week to go on the trip with me! Plus, I'm like 100% sure he gets free/discounted flights. He's also being a little vague with me, but we'll decide later down the road. No matter what happens, though, I'm going, whether people join me or not.

I set up a GoFundMe so my friends and family could support my travel fees. In the description, I did a travel overview of all the places in Japan I'm planning on going to. After spending hours composing this thing, I don't wanna rehash it all here, but I WILL say that I'm going to land in Tokyo, maybe stay a night or two there. I'll do some sightseeing, shopping and eating there. After that, I'm going to catch a train to Kyoto, where I'll visit historical sites and Shinto shrines. Maybe I'll visit a spring! Finally, I'll take a train or taxi to Osaka to go to Universal Studios Japan and to see the Osaka Castle. Of course, I might instead choose to go to Nagoya, which is effectively between Tokyo and Kyoto.

Like I said, it's definitely gonna happen. It seems like this blog's come full-circle. While I don't need to learn Japanese to visit Japan, I'll be brushing up on some of my classic studies from my blog posts. ;) This shouldn't be difficult; relearning is a lot easier than learning for the first time, after all. It's like learning to ride a bike. (Not like I'd ever now what that's like.)

That's the main thing I wanted to talk about. For those of you who want to keep up with me, I'm going to be making a new post by at least Wednesday this week, which will be decently long. I'm planning to do a storytime post, (unless something big comes up in my life that requires urgent blogging) and I think you're gonna like it!

Mark your calendars for June 27, because it's gonna drop early in the morning, probably! For now, I need some sleep. I'm going to try to do more "storytime" posts, so as to record some of the unforgettable major events in my life.

Also, stay tuned for more Japan news. I'm saving the money for my trip, and I already know it's gonna be incredible.

Promise That You'll Take Me Home

Hey all! It's been a bit, hasn't it?

You know how I had that blog binge ever since March? Well, you might be thinking that I've gone back to my old ways of abandoning the blog for an extended period of time the way I did in the past. Well, you're not completely wrong.

In my defense, I had a post I was working on about a week or two ago where I showed off my recently-shaven head and my new tattoo. I'm not sure what made me stop writing it, but it's going into the archive of all the other unfinished posts, I guess!

These past couple of weeks have been interesting, to say the least. There's no sense of the summertime sadness that dominated me last year, and I've been rather productive and active in my life recently.

First and foremost, I got my job back at La Piazza. If you delve into my older posts, you'll know how much I detest the place, but I've been trying to keep a positive attitude at work. This has been working well in my favor, and I've never felt better. Plus, Katie's not there, and nor is Lisa, so all possible things that could get on my nerves have evaporated from my life.

Remember Carleigh from last post? Well, my unfinished post also concerned her. See, I was in the state of mind of not knowing what to think about our friendship. We hung out together a couple of times, and we even got our tattoos together. We had a blast both times we went on "dates," and I was getting good vibes. I just didn't know whether I should have asked her out or not. I'm kinda low-key glad that I dodged that bullet. No disrespect to her (she and I still talk every now and again, and are planning to hang out again soon,) but I'm starting to think that I was just looking for a rebound. That's so unlike me, really. I think she's a lovely person, but she acts really apathetic sometimes, and that seems like it would be a problem if we ever dated.

God, my writing style tonight is so dry. Sorry, guys.

Remember when I alluded that "abandoning" the blog wasn't a completely false statement? Well, allow me to explain.

As you could have probably guessed, things were really emotional for me. There were so many things on the upswing in my life that came crashing down on that one fateful day. And ever since then, all I've ever wanted is to talk to someone about it. I've wanted to scream out in pain from the rooftops like a dying animal. I was fractured and broken. These wounds, as the saying goes, have been healed with time. Sure, it irks me every other day, and I wish I could turn back time, but the more rational half of my consciousness knows this was all for the best.

There's so much that I want to say here, but I know that I cannot. I need to be sure that the wounds are closed before telling you all my final assessment of everything. My wounds will be gone soon, and I've considered everything that I've written about the situation in the past. My thoughts have changed, but I've avoided delving into them, as I want to treat the involved parties with respect. Until further notice, when I can be sure that my blog is nothing more than an afterthought to the people involved, I'm not going to talk about them or allude to them anymore. That's a promise.

My hair's growing back. I liked the bald look, and I got used to it. I was met with a pleasant surprise-- my family, friends, and coworkers really liked the way I looked with a shaved head. I liked it too, but I wanna see what my hair would look like if I grew it back out, just out of curiosity. The thing is, I really like the hair, like I said, but I keep looking at all these photos of myself with hair, and I feel that I look so much better WITH hair. Bald is a classy and dangerous (dangerous as in smooth) look, but it makes me look a bit older than I actually am, so I'm gonna see what I can do with it. If it doesn't grow out well, I can always just shave it again.

I've really been enjoying World of Warcraft in full-force lately, and it's consuming a lot of my time. I couldn't be happier! :D

Yesterday, (okay, well it's technically the day before yesterday at this point,) one of the most talented musicians in modern music passed away. His name is Xxxtentacion (or simply "X," as most people call him), and he was shot while driving his car. When I found out the news, it felt so surreal. It felt like that scene in Doki Doki Literature Club where you find Sayori hanging from a noose in her bedroom. It just felt... wrong. I proceeded to spend the next 4 hours on Twitter finding out as much as I could about the incident. X's music was really inspirational, and he was an extremely talented artist. I don't listen to much rap, but X got me through some hard times in my life. I've even featured his music in a hidden link back in (I think) December 2016. Just as he was turning his life around, tragedy struck, and sent a shockwave through the community. X was the first person to really help me come to terms with my feelings of depression and self-worth, and for that, I owe him a lot. My old roommate Lestat and I loved his music, and I don't know how he'll react when he finds out the news. In a world where trends come and go in the blink of an eye, I can assure you that Xxxtentacion was so much more than that, and I'll never forget what he did for me. Rest in peace, X.

Well shit, this has been a hella depressing post. I guess I'll end it with some good news, then.

I've been talking to my dad over that past few days, and it's been a very nice experience catching up with him after all these years. I gave both he and my mom the link to my blog, so if either/ both of you are watching this, I wanted to say hi!

Talk to you guys sooner rather than later.