Thursday, March 7, 2019

Sunflower

If you don't feel like reading this post, the tl;dr is:

School is hard, and I'm gonna start writing fiction again.
_________________________________________________________________________________

For those who don't know, I recently graduated college. While I suffered a bit of an internal struggle those four years with figuring out what I wanted to commit my life to, I don't for a moment regret my decision to earn my bachelor's degree in English.

Okay, maybe that's not completely true. These past few years have been filled to the brim with self-doubt. I mean, just Google "most useless college degrees", and you're bound to find an English degree wedged between theater and sociology in some Buzzfeed-tier article.

Does this infuriate me? Ehh, kinda? I'd say it does because there are many layers to what Chaz from Reddit is implying about a degree he's never earned. I'm not here to sound triggered or anything. That's not really my style, though it admittedly used to be.

On its own, I'd say there's some merit to graduating with a four-year college degree to begin with; not many people have done it, and my own personal college experience stands as a testament to this fact. I'd say that I've had plenty of friends in my college career, but if I had to pick the closest friends I made in college, I'd say there were about eight of them:

Lestat-- Mathematics major, dropped out

Zach-- Music major, flunked out

Simon-- Film major, dropped out

Jeremy-- Mathematics major, flunked out

Caroline-- Professional dancing major, dropped out

Heidi-- Costume design major, moved away with her boyfriend, and probably dropped out

Cass-- Professional acting major, dropped out

Colin-- Biology major, long story, but he basically dropped out

And sure, I made plenty of friends that were able to graduate, but those I found myself closest to weren't so fortunate. When I make my grand post about my college experience, I'll speak more on this, but the fact is that I stood around, watching the people I relied on drop like flies. The large group of people I called my friends dwindled, as I was powerless to save them. They moved on with their lives, I guess, and I'm happy for them.

But this is what I'm trying to say-- no matter how "useless" or "easy" people perceive your major to be, college isn't easy. Finishing your four-year degree is a mark of mastery standing as the equivalent of saying "hey, I went to school, didn't skip classes, stayed focused, I didn't oversleep, and made decent grades".

To me, making it to the end of that four-year grind shows that the person who graduated is wholly committed to their field of study, and that says a lot. There's this level of determination that is often overlooked when considering a college degree, and that's what graduates like myself have the right to proudly claim.

Here's where I insert my generic motivational speech-- No matter what you choose to study in college, so long as you're committed to what you do, you'll be successful. Times will be hard, and some days, you'll wanna just sit at home and watch Netflix, but if you push through, a promising career is only one of many rewards you'll find on the other side of your adventure.

Something I've come to realize in my life is that romantic love is nothing compared to achievement. With love, you must understand the risks involved; there's always, without a doubt, a possibility to lose everything in the blink of an eye. One mistake can cost you everything, and when it's over, all you'll be left with is a crumbled castle-- ruins comprised of grated self-esteem and a lot of time lost to the universe, only being succeeded in the minds of those who are emotionally-insecure enough to hold them until their last breaths.

Achievement, on the other hand, is eternal. Until the end on one's days (and possibly longer), a persons achievements and contribution to humanity is what will be remembered, and that's impossible to strip away. I'd say more, but I think you get the point.

And what have I been trying to say this whole post?

Well, as an English major, it probably doesn't come as a shock to you that my minor is creative writing. I mean, writing kinda comes with the territory of tackling a major like mine, so the minor was a no-brainer.

I've always adored writing, and I hope this fact is made more apparent to my commitment to writing my deepest early morning ravings on a blog nobody reads.

It's a thing I love, even if I'm not the most talented writer out there. And as such, I've yearned for a way to express myself outside of this blog.

For this reason, I'm continuing my creative writing ventures outside of the classroom! I've chosen to expand on a series of writings I started in school, unofficially titled "The Ravenous Series". I'd like to post some of my drafts here! Maybe I'll add a separate section to my blog so my writings won't clog up the actual post feed.

Anywho, if you feel like this post had zero purpose, you'd be right. I was just rambling, like I usually do. :)

Best,

Jacob


Monday, March 4, 2019

Tree Pollen

My self worth is not determined by any other person.

This is the lesson I'm trying to learn. I often find myself extremely codependent; my happiness is contingent upon impressing and being with other people, be it a matter of relationships or even friendships. I feel trapped in between these two rocks-- one is my loathing and dependance on others to validate me, the other is a product of greed, the growing hunger for said validation as it's not spoon-fed to me with a silver spoon.

It's an immature state of mind, and I, like (probably) many others, am a victim of greed. In what I call love, I selfishly, and subconsciously, seek to take control of others.

I guess that's the key to this whole endeavor-- the hard pill to swallow. The reason I have trouble letting go of relationships lost is because I, somewhere deep inside, take pleasure in knowing I have somebody. It's greed. It's almost possessive. Who am I kidding-- it IS possessive.

That's not who I am. I'm an impostor. I'm not Jacob, but something else. Something has taken hold of the me I once knew, and it's an ongoing endeavor. I've been searching for my brave hero for so long, not realizing that he was quite literally inside of me this whole time.

The future often seems bleak, and the light can often not be seen at the end of the tunnel. Have I just become a cynic, a realist? At this moment, am I only thinking wishfully? I don't care, because so long as I find happiness and fulfillment, I am willing to sacrifice the knowledge I claim to yearn.

At heart, and in soul, I am an adventurer, an explorer. I'm a child at heart, and I'll never stop following my dreams. I'm happy all by myself, if that's what it takes.

I'm not spending hours thinking, obsessing about another girl, wondering when she's gonna text me. I'm not gonna be disappointed when it never comes. I'm not going to torture myself by trying to be friends with someone who crushed me, hoping for a second chance. I'm putting one foot forward, claiming my own destiny. I'm becoming the man I owe it to myself to be.

I'm not gonna be an awful friend and ignore people. I won't take them for granted. I won't belittle people, even if they've hurt me in the past.

I will accept defeat with grace. I will be humble. I will be understanding and compassionate.

I will practice what I preach. I will learn to love myself before I can love others.

I will discover myself. I'm going to be what I think is cool. I will love who it is I am,

and I am Jacob.

Who are you?
 

Thursday, February 28, 2019

"It's Not Your Fault," That's What They All Keep Saying

みなさん,こんばんは!

Yeah, you already know I'm back at it again with the Japanese study. I guess you can say I was inspired by a study partner of mine! I haven't learned how to use 漢字 yet, but that's on my to-do list!

The prime motivator for me this time is the fact that I really need to keep my head above water when I move to Japan! I mean, having a baseline knowledge could save me so much time and embarrassment in the long run. Plus, I don't wanna be a nuisance to my せんせい, and have to ask her a bunch of questions, so I'm carrying on learning as much Japanese as I can!

I suppose it's appropriate to use this blog as a place to shitpost in Japanese, because after all, this blog was initially my record of learning Japanese. And yes, I'm aware that I look like a ginormous weeb, talking in hiragana like this. :/ I just wanna practice, man. Gimmie a break.

Anyway, the past few days have been decent. I've continued making Japanese friends, and I already feel more familiar with Japanese culture. That said, I still have a lot of work to do, and I'm more eager to learn than ever!

But, before I say anything else, I want to express something that happened today-- something that's been on my mind. I broke up with my girlfriend, Carleigh.

Honestly, the experience hurt me more than I thought it would, and I feel that she came out the other side in more pain than I'm in. Breaking up is something I've always been terrible at, and this it was something I'd been considering for a while now. No, Carleigh didn't say anything to hurt me, but I felt that it was appropriate. Seeing as how I'll be going on a new adventure in May, I figured it was best that I do what I had to do promptly and swiftly.

When it comes to relationships, we all have needs. When I'm romantically involved with someone, being able to have contact with that person regularly is critical. I mean, if I'm away from the person I'm with for a year, what would our relationship be? Factor in the ridiculous price of a plane ticket and the difference in time zone, and you've got a recipe for a stagnating relationship. To me, relationships are like plants, meant to be constantly nurtured so that they may grow into something beautiful and symbolic. Simply put, I felt that this was not possible, given our circumstances. I don't mean to sound so pretentious, but I guess it's the only way I can express it at the moment.

But everything is easier when it's in your head. In reality, it was difficult, as I hate nothing more than potentially hurting others with my actions. I wish I could find the words to express how important she still is to me as a friend. Some days-- days like these, I'm not so good with words, even when I need to be.

But let's think positive. I need to keep my eyes on the prize. The more I focus on love, the further I am from being in the mindset to study hard. Now, I can commit more time in these coming months to perfecting my Japanese speaking skills.

Something you may or may not know about me is that I LOVE horror. See, back when I was a writer, one of my passions was crafting manic fever-dreams that took the form of short stories. Granted, these were never very good, but I enjoyed developing my literary technique nevertheless! In fact, I'd say that my leisure writing projects almost exclusively involved horror in some form.

As such, it probably doesn't come as a shocker that I adore both horror films and games. As cringeworthy as I find the Resident Evil series to be, I loved Resident Evil 7 to death. Hell, it's one of my favorite games of all time! With the remake of Resident Evil 2 having released last month, I've been having a blast with it! That lingering sense of dread, increasing with every passing moment, makes me feel more alive than ever. There's also something poetic about facing ones fears head-on.

I feel that this has been a theme in my life lately.

Oh yeah, and I'm playing the game in Japanese, just for that little bit of extra practice!

Anywho, that's enough about my life. For all of you that finished reading this, I'm sorry my post was a little dry tonight. I promise that my next post will knock your socks off!

 じゃあね!

-Jacob

Monday, February 25, 2019

Terrible Things

It's chilly tonight, and the rain won't stop. Maybe this rain is an omen of things to come. I try not to get too superstitious, but man has little more than his own conscious to keep him company in the end.

The years have gone by quickly, lately. It felt like only yesterday that it was 2017. As I scroll through my old blog posts, I'm captivated, as I can place myself in the same mindset of when I wrote them.

But this also makes me think of how much I've grown, as well as how, in many aspects, I've decayed.

When I look into the mirror, I see someone far more confident, having lived through 2018. I see someone stronger, more stoic, and more balanced. Now, I'm in-shape, and I'm about to embark on the job of a lifetime.

But I'm still vulnerable. I'm not trying to evoke sympathy or anything-- I actually hate it. I'm quite proud of how I've grown, and that's reflected in my life, but I'm also daunted with regards to how much growing I still need to do. Honestly, I wish I could wake up and become the man I want to be, but I guess, without the battles and the scars I amass along the way, the person I become on the other side means little.

I know, I've gone on and on about the person I was freshman year of college, or even senior year of high school. There was just something different about me. It's like, at some point, I relinquished anxiety in lieu of the carefree childhood I never had. Maybe I'm romanticizing it too much.

But this post isn't about negativity, I suppose. If that's what you want, then feel free to see literally any post I made in 2018.

Is the Jacob I am now the best version of myself? In many ways, yes. Like I said, all of my experience has molded me into a person with a more psychologically-stable mindset. That's not to say I was ever unstable, per say, but looking back at some posts I made here, you can easily see how defeated I was.

But I'm riddled with weakness still:


  • I often, subconsciously, rely on others to validate my own worth.
  • I'm too closed off, or adversely, verbose to maintain meaningful friendships.
  • When I'm heartbroken, I don't let it go easily.
  • I can't be comfortable with being who I am.
  • I often second-guess myself.
  • I'm stubborn, and sometimes hurtful to people.
  • I'm too impulsive, and by no means analytical. 
I never made a New Year's resolution, but better late than never, right? This year, 2019, I want to reclaim the person I lost those years ago. I want to be cool, not because others think I'm cool, but because I know deep down that I'm being me. I want to make friends, and not take them for granted the way I have these last few years. I want to be a support for those close to me to lean on.

I want to be a friend to myself, and the people who need one. 

Wow. That one was a little heavy, huh? I thought it'd be fun to do one of these "deep" posts like I always did back then. It was fun. 

Thanks for joining me, my friends.

Peace.

Sunday, February 24, 2019

Whenever You Are, I Never Say Goodbye

Hey everyone!

It's been a minute, but I'm back, just like I promised. I'm working on another post at the moment, but it's really REALLY long, and you know how I am with slacking off with stuff like that. I'm trying to be diligent, but I'm finding myself so busy lately.

I've been corresponding with the fine folks over at Amity, and it looks like I'm in the process for applying for my visa. Fingers crossed that I don't have to drive to Atlanta, the Japanese embassy in my district. It's like a 5 hour drive, I think. I think I'll call them and check on that.

The past few days have been relatively decent, I'd say.

I guess you can say the highlight of this whole affair was my desire to make friends in Japan. Moving to a whole new country can be really tough; you've got to learn how to adapt to the culture, you have to make sure you're always following the rules, and at the end of the day, you don't have anyone to rant about work to! I guess that was my motivation.

I found this app called "HelloTalk", which allows people from other countries to learn each other's respective languages. It's a pretty cool concept. I'm always down to learn some Japanese, so I figured, "why not?"

When I started using the app, things were pretty slow. I initiated conversation with a few Japanese people, and held conversations with them for a while. With one guy, I even started teaching him some English. We did audio lessons together, and I was impressed with his abilities, considering he claimed to be physically incapable of speaking English.

There was this one girl I met, who aspired to live in America. We discussed the different places she'd be interested in living in, and I think we collectively agreed she should live in upstate New York. She was really kind, and spoke English quite well. Cool, huh?

I was in the middle of the conversation with this girl, that I met another. At this point, a bunch of people were initiating conversation with me first, which came as a surprise to me. This girl and I made small talk, and she gave me advice about places to visit in Japan. Her English was far better than the girl before! I was blown away.

This girl and I really hit it off-- we continued to talk, and eventually, we moved our conversation to LINE, a popular texting app in Japan, which I promptly downloaded for the occasion. We've been talking for a few days, and she's totally the sweetest. I really enjoy talking to her, and she's always willing to help me with Japanese, which really makes me happy. I stayed up all night talking to her that night. She's the first person in Japan who I can truly call a friend, and I'm honored to be a part of her life. It's been such a pleasure to learn about a culture so different, yet so similar to mine firsthand. It just makes me more excited to stride toward my dream of visiting Japan! Wish me luck, friends!

Yeahhh, I kinda stopped using the HelloTalk app after I met that girl. Like, it was soo difficult keeping up with all of the conversations at once, and I wanted to focus on the friendship I was having with this one girl. I did have the courtesy of telling the people I had conversations with, but the messages from new people keep pouring in, even to today. Maybe I could stand to use it again-- you can never have too many friends.

Anyway, I've been pretty good lately. Life's been fun, if not mundane. I've been kicking back and  enjoying my time here in the US while it lasts. Who knows-- maybe I'll enjoy Japan so much that I'll want to stay? Maybe I could start a new life there? I know it's sort of this delusional fever-dream, but hey, you never know what'll happen.

I've found that, in life, the best things come from going with the flow. That's what I'm gonna continue doing.

It was nice having this little chat. Talk to you guys soon.

-Jacob

Friday, February 15, 2019

We Should Burn Him at The Stake, Desecrate His Name, Spit on Him From High Horses, Exaggerate the Shame

Hey everyone!

So, not gonna lie, I really intended to update this a lot sooner, but you know how I am. So much has happened since I last posted, and I can't wait to share it all with you! Let's just jump into it, shall we?

Soooooo the first and most important news story is that I officially scored a job in Japan! The interview wasn't easy, but I practiced a lot to be sure I made a positive impression! I still kinda screwed up the interview, but in my defense, the interviewer threw me some curveballs. Regardless, I was accepted, and allowed to go to Japan! YAY!

You can't imagine how excited I am! You know, when I first started this blog, I knew I wanted to learn Japanese, but for what reason? Well, yeah, if I remember correctly, I wanted to play a Phoenix Wright game that was exclusively in Japanese, but ended up being translated to English. The other thing, however, I'd use Japanese for is to visit Japan and be able to fully enjoy my experience as a tourist. Sure, that initially sounds a little excessive-- why would someone learn a whole language just to visit another country for like a week? I guess you can say I had an immense respect and admiration for Japan from a young age.

But everyone who wants to go to Japan says this, and probably because they're giant anime dorks. While I can say, quite remorsefully, that I was quite the "weeb" back in the day, wanting to visit Japan runs a lot deeper than just wanting to go because I watched some anime or Japanese YouTubers. There's nothing wrong with that, of course. Not trying to sound smug or superior or anything, because I grew up with anime, and have loved it, even before the days of the internet, where any anime under the sun is no more than a quick Google search away.

I guess you can say that my admiration for Japan was born from a certain elementary school teacher-- whose name I can't remember to save my life. If I ever find a yearbook, I'll let you know. This teacher wasn't MY teacher, but he was always really friendly to me, and we had good banter, he and I. This teacher had called the students for an assembly, a routine I already enjoyed immensely, as escaping the monotony of regular classtime was refreshing. He had just arrived back to school after his vacation in-- you guessed it-- Japan. He presented a slideshow with a bunch of incredible photos of the sights and adventures he'd been on in his trip. My eyes lit up when I saw the gorgeous streets of Tokyo. This teacher even brought back a souvenir, an "omiyage" if you will, for each student. He handed out little toys and the like, as well as a set of Japanese-style playing cards. They looked sorta like this:

Image result for japanese style playing cards

That's what I got. I remember it like it was yesterday. I think this card was my first tangible connection to another culture-- another world so different and exciting from my own.

That's when I knew I wanted to visit Japan.

And here we are! I won't go into anymore details-- for your sake, not mine, but I've been enchanted with the beauty and culture of Japan. It just seems like the kind of place I need to experience firsthand, and I'm so very thrilled to do so!

I'll be in Fujisawa in the Kanagawa prefecture! It's really close to Tokyo (like 30 mins to an hour), so I can take plenty of day trips on the weekend! It's also near Yokohama, another large city with tons of history. I also wanted to visit Kyoto and Osaka, but those are pretty far away from where I'll be living. My plan to visit these cities is to go and see them on my off-days during training, as I'll be in the area.

I leave on the 13th of May, but I'll be sure to check in with you guys before then!

I also kinda wanna vlog. I know there are a million J-vloggers, but I think it would be cool to record my Japanese Journey (ba-dum-tss) so I can remember it, should the time come when I move back to the states. I really won't mind if nobody watches them, but I' sure my family and friends will enjoy the vlogs, as they have my blog for several years now. I also totally wanna brush up on my Japanese, too!

Getting my passport was an absolute nightmare, and, after several grueling weeks of haggling with post office and passport office employees, I finally recieved my passport last weekend. I'm sooooo excited, dudes!

Onto the next thing, I totally need a job in order to fund my Japan trip! I'm gonna need like $2,000 in spending money when I get there, on top of the $1,000 for the plane ticket. Shouldn't be too hard, right?


I went out with Carleigh for Valentine's day last night. I got her the classic teddy bear, roses, chocolate, and card combo. Women love that kinda stuff, I think! For me, she made a bunch of brownies in the shape of Pokeballs, which was literally the sweetest thing ever! She's awesome and we had a great time. We went out to La Piazza, the restaurant of nightmares, and came back to my house and had a drink. Fun times!

Finally, I purchased a MacBook Pro, which I'm using to write this very blog post on! It was a bit alien at first, but I figured I'd need a new laptop for my Japan trip anyhow. I'm loving it so far! I did, however, have to sell my graphics card from my main computer to justify buying this thing, but it's totally fine with me, as I wouldn't have been able to get my computer to Japan anyhow.

I guess that just about wraps up this post. I felt like I had more to talk about, but I pretty much hit on all of the important bits! I'm preparing for my adventure to Japan, and I hope it's as splendid as I think it's gonna be. I'll report back to you guys soon!

Best,

Jacob



Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Some People Are a Lot Like Clouds, Y'know?

'Cause life's so much brighter when they go.

FIVE (technically, six). MORE. DAYS.

That's when Kingdom Hearts III comes out!! I'm thrilled, and I can't wait to finally experience what younger me dreamed of, yearned for every day. Ever since the "Face my Fears" full audio leak, I've been blasting it. It's most certainly a bop.

I completed my first interview for Amity, the company in Japan. At first, I was nervous about my presentation, but after hours of practice with myself, I NAILED it, all things considered.

The interview involved a mock lesson with the recruiter, who pretended to be a six year-old Japanese girl named Yoshimi. I prepared a lesson involving basic emotions, such as "happy", "sad", and "angry". Once I got the lesson plan down like clockwork, I really had no trouble. I feel like the part of the interview I fumbled on the most was my introduction, but when it comes to teaching, I'd say I have some potential!

Not everyone gets invited to a second interview, according to the email, so having received an invitation for my second interview on the spot made me feel really good about myself. I'll be doing that on Friday.

This time, I have to present a revised version of my first lesson plan based on the feedback I was given. This time, I'm gonna kill the interview even HARDER, because I know what to expect!

I've already got my passport ready. Even if I don't get the job at Amity, I'll be able to apply for more of these types of jobs in the future. Even if these jobs are just a distant dream, never meant to happen, I'll have the passport to visit Japan. That sounds like a lot of fun!

Today, I'm meeting Chris, my ex-stepfather, to sell him the title to his car. I wanted $2,000, but since he's being exceptionally difficult, I've gone down to $1,500. It's still enough for a ticket to Japan and some thrift store suits, which makes things a lot easier for me! I'll let you know how it goes, I suppose!!

I saw the new DBZ movie, Broly, in theaters, btw! It was pretty sweet. Tickets were sparse, and I feel pretty bad for the people who arrived when the movie was about to start and expected to get tickets, as they were sold out VERY quickly. Among the fans, tons of them were wearing DBZ-themed t-shirts, which was really cool. I really felt like I was among my own people for a but there. The crowd wasn't as interactive as when I saw Battle of Gods, but I guess I can attribute that to Broly not being as funny. All things considered, it was great to see the new origin story of Broly, and the, perhaps, "more canon" appearance of Gogeta, my favorite of the Goku-Vegeta fusions.

Enough geeking out, though! I just wanted to drop by and make a post. Thanks for reading!

Jacob