Tree Pollen

My self worth is not determined by any other person.

This is the lesson I'm trying to learn. I often find myself extremely codependent; my happiness is contingent upon impressing and being with other people, be it a matter of relationships or even friendships. I feel trapped in between these two rocks-- one is my loathing and dependance on others to validate me, the other is a product of greed, the growing hunger for said validation as it's not spoon-fed to me with a silver spoon.

It's an immature state of mind, and I, like (probably) many others, am a victim of greed. In what I call love, I selfishly, and subconsciously, seek to take control of others.

I guess that's the key to this whole endeavor-- the hard pill to swallow. The reason I have trouble letting go of relationships lost is because I, somewhere deep inside, take pleasure in knowing I have somebody. It's greed. It's almost possessive. Who am I kidding-- it IS possessive.

That's not who I am. I'm an impostor. I'm not Jacob, but something else. Something has taken hold of the me I once knew, and it's an ongoing endeavor. I've been searching for my brave hero for so long, not realizing that he was quite literally inside of me this whole time.

The future often seems bleak, and the light can often not be seen at the end of the tunnel. Have I just become a cynic, a realist? At this moment, am I only thinking wishfully? I don't care, because so long as I find happiness and fulfillment, I am willing to sacrifice the knowledge I claim to yearn.

At heart, and in soul, I am an adventurer, an explorer. I'm a child at heart, and I'll never stop following my dreams. I'm happy all by myself, if that's what it takes.

I'm not spending hours thinking, obsessing about another girl, wondering when she's gonna text me. I'm not gonna be disappointed when it never comes. I'm not going to torture myself by trying to be friends with someone who crushed me, hoping for a second chance. I'm putting one foot forward, claiming my own destiny. I'm becoming the man I owe it to myself to be.

I'm not gonna be an awful friend and ignore people. I won't take them for granted. I won't belittle people, even if they've hurt me in the past.

I will accept defeat with grace. I will be humble. I will be understanding and compassionate.

I will practice what I preach. I will learn to love myself before I can love others.

I will discover myself. I'm going to be what I think is cool. I will love who it is I am,

and I am Jacob.

Who are you?