Terrible Things

It's chilly tonight, and the rain won't stop. Maybe this rain is an omen of things to come. I try not to get too superstitious, but man has little more than his own conscious to keep him company in the end.

The years have gone by quickly, lately. It felt like only yesterday that it was 2017. As I scroll through my old blog posts, I'm captivated, as I can place myself in the same mindset of when I wrote them.

But this also makes me think of how much I've grown, as well as how, in many aspects, I've decayed.

When I look into the mirror, I see someone far more confident, having lived through 2018. I see someone stronger, more stoic, and more balanced. Now, I'm in-shape, and I'm about to embark on the job of a lifetime.

But I'm still vulnerable. I'm not trying to evoke sympathy or anything-- I actually hate it. I'm quite proud of how I've grown, and that's reflected in my life, but I'm also daunted with regards to how much growing I still need to do. Honestly, I wish I could wake up and become the man I want to be, but I guess, without the battles and the scars I amass along the way, the person I become on the other side means little.

I know, I've gone on and on about the person I was freshman year of college, or even senior year of high school. There was just something different about me. It's like, at some point, I relinquished anxiety in lieu of the carefree childhood I never had. Maybe I'm romanticizing it too much.

But this post isn't about negativity, I suppose. If that's what you want, then feel free to see literally any post I made in 2018.

Is the Jacob I am now the best version of myself? In many ways, yes. Like I said, all of my experience has molded me into a person with a more psychologically-stable mindset. That's not to say I was ever unstable, per say, but looking back at some posts I made here, you can easily see how defeated I was.

But I'm riddled with weakness still:

• I often, subconsciously, rely on others to validate my own worth.
• I'm too closed off, or adversely, verbose to maintain meaningful friendships.
• When I'm heartbroken, I don't let it go easily.
• I can't be comfortable with being who I am.
• I often second-guess myself.
• I'm stubborn, and sometimes hurtful to people.
• I'm too impulsive, and by no means analytical. 

I never made a New Year's resolution, but better late than never, right? This year, 2019, I want to reclaim the person I lost those years ago. I want to be cool, not because others think I'm cool, but because I know deep down that I'm being me. I want to make friends, and not take them for granted the way I have these last few years. I want to be a support for those close to me to lean on.

I want to be a friend to myself, and the people who need one. 

Wow. That one was a little heavy, huh? I thought it'd be fun to do one of these "deep" posts like I always did back then. It was fun. 

Thanks for joining me, my friends.

Peace.