Sorry I've been away for so long! I've made a few incomplete posts that I haven't uploaded, as they'd be immediately deemed obsolete, so I figure I'll consolidate their contents here. As for the narration for my other posts, I'm sorry to say that you'll have to wait on those for a little bit. I am planning on taking a night to record all of the posts a day when my mother is at work so that I might keep my archives complete and updated. It goes without saying, though, that some posts don't need narration, but I just wanted to let you all know that I'm by no means slacking in this regard.
There's plenty to talk about, and I don't know where to start. I guess the most logical thing to do is start from the beginning, where my unpublished posts concerned themselves.
Honestly, I'd been caught in a tough place when it concerned the usual issue of heartbreak. Some more drama made itself clear, with the person initiating the drama still contacting me and berating me. Other issues loosely concerning these politics presented themselves, and I snapped. I said some things that, while they weren't "mean," I certainly regret them. They're not a problem anymore, just in case you were wondering.
There was a certain other individual who harassed and insulted my loved ones, and I wanted more than anything to react violently (with words,) but after days of deliberation, I decided against it. I would personally like to thank each and everyone who gave me a peptalk-- I pleaded with them, "please, god, please, give me a reason to believe that I deserve love again." Each individual that I asked for advice gave me their own brand of wisdom-nouveau, and to each of them: my cousin Courtney, my friend Robert, my grandma Joy, my aunt Lila, and my friend Chance-- I say thank you.
With my last post, Strange Journey, I deleted the posts concerning the person that hurt me because I truly want to move on-- I really do. It hasn't been easy, because I loved her, and I gave her all of my love. It made me feel every emotion in the book when I was told that it wasn't enough for her. It really made me feel inadequate about myself as a lover and a friend. I never came into everything wanting to hurt anyone, and it's hard to say that I wouldn't go back to change some of the things I did in the past. This isn't a lamentation, though. Honestly, I've been plenty preoccupied with the other things in my life, if I'm honest. I'm sure, especially for those who have followed my journey over the past few months, that you'll think that this is the same kind of emo bullshit you've seen before. While I wouldn't agree with that sentiment, I'll charitably give you that sentiment, but unless there are anymore developments with that girl, I'm going to leave her alone. She's been through the wringer enough as it it, and I wish her nothing but the best.
Tomorrow's my birthday, you know? Just thought I'd throw that in there! ;)
After that mess, there's Michael. I don't know if I've mentioned him here, but if I haven't, then allow me to introduce you. Michael is a friend of mine who I went to high school with. He's a little younger than I am, and so we never really hung out in high school, but I recall a couple of instances in which I talked to him. More recently, I've been talking with him by association of my cousin Courtney and ex-girlfriend Jessie.
Basically, Michael wants my computer. He just likes everything about it, and he wants to offer me anything he can to have it. The thing is, I'm not exactly comfortable with the business proposition concerning something so integral to my life. He's offered me a laptop, some money, and a graphics card that's only sightly inferior to my current setup. I could go into detail about everything, but I'm just not feeling the deal, you know? I'm happy with my setup, and I don't want to waste his time. So why did I bring this up?
Well, like I said, Michael is ravenous about this deal. As somewhat of a final gambit, Michael has been trying to introduce me to girls that he thinks I'd be interested in. It's been an interesting experience, you know? The girl that really stood out to me was this one girl that met with us at the bookstore to hangout. While she and I haven't really talked since, (as we weren't really compatible,) it felt nice. My game was absolutely terrible, let me tell ya, so I'm gonna need to work on my confidence and talking to girls. This has all gotten me thinking about what kind of girl I want to attract, and so right now, I'm just talking to different girls in order to figure out what I like!
There was this other girl who I spent a little time talking to, who may or may not be interested in me. She's a friend of my mom's actually, but she's less than a month younger than me. Drop-dead gorgeous, by the way. I spent some time with her, and I decided that I wasn't going to pursue it. Here's the thing-- I think I'm growing. I think, earlier in life, I would have dated anyone just to feel loved, but now it would seem that I'm actually staying true to myself. This girl has a lot of baggage, and I think it's integral that I support her as a friend. I've only really spent one afternoon with her, but she told my mom that she wanted to hang with me again, so I'm going to be the best friend to her that I can be.
This is the first time I've felt strong in a long time, if I can be honest.
It's been an adventure, living with my mom in her new apartment in Southern Pines. It's a studio apartment, so it's a bit small, and it's only one room. I mean, I've been sharing a room with someone for the past 4 years-- let's be honest. First, there was the dorms and living with Lestat, and then there was my ex for this past semester, and now I'm living with my mom. It's not all that bad, but it's kinda hard to have a little peace here and there. She's been, for the most part, very respectful of my boundaries, though!
I have an appointment for my internship with the editor of the newspaper for Thursday, the 31st, so I'll be sure to let you know how that goes. I'm so fucking nervous, my dudes. Just like with girls, I kinda flounder with interviews, but I'm sure it's not nearly as bad as I'm making it out to be.
That's basically it! Now you're all caught up with everything in my life. There's still drama, but that's not all that important right now. Currently, I'm more focused on celebrating my birthday, and I know I'm gonna have a blast. I always do!
I'll talk to you guys later! Well, hopefully sooner rather than later!
Lvya
-Jacob
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