So yeah, the post about how I was going to spend the day with my mother was technically after midnight, so I guess you could say that it counts as being of the same day, the second post I made was a weird ramble-y free-form commentary about a random observation I made, completely out of context that related to something far outside of the subject matter itself. And now, because of the way that my blog's time works (it operates on PST, whereas I'm in the EST timezone), it would appear that I'm typing this all out on the same day. Well, it's 3 right now, and I'm about to go to bed, so I really can't spare another hour. Maybe it'll be difficult to write this post, so it could very possibly take longer.
Either way, today is both Easter AND April Fool's day, and I'm sorry I won't be able to treat my dear readers with a sick meme today. That's because I'm feeling down.
These feelings are so scary, because they remind me of the time when I was on Ritalin.
If there's a message that I want to get across in this post, it's that I'm conflicted. To be completely honest, sometimes I despise the fact that my blog, my personal journal is just kinda out there on the internet. What's worse is that I share it with the people around me to read. I mean, yeah, sure, most of the time, I like for people to have a deeper insight into how I tick and whatnot, because it's basically an unmasked version of myself, but along with it comes the expectation that I don't write anything that will hurt anybody's feelings. I somehow end up doing that anyway sometimes, though.
What really hurts is that this blog is sometimes the only outlet I have at times. That's when I start becoming sappy and pathetic. Do you know what I mean? I feel like a total loser right now, because my emotions have totally flip-flopped from yesterday's post about being okay. It was just my mental state at the time, but today somehow proved to be the most volatile of all. I'm afraid to admit to you, dear readers, that I'm not okay. Sometimes, I want to be okay, but I know I'm not going to be okay for a long time.
I'm going to be really specific here... So I just had a break-up. I don't know if Jessie still reads this blog. If she does, then that's totally okay with me. If she doesn't, fine by me as well. But the point I'm trying to make is that, if she is reading this, reading every word, every thought, then she's gonna feel like I'm trying to evoke sympathy. I'm writing these words for myself as catharsis through one of the most difficult periods of my life. It's not like I wouldn't want her to read this, but I have a strong, buff image to uphold. Hey, I'm getting healthy, and I learned so much about myself from the relationship. I'm going to become the strongest person ever after this, right? Well, maybe, but it doesn't really feel like it now. I'm having mood swings like a maternal period-induced mother at the moment. One second, I'm pissed (for no good reason, mind you) that other people are living their lives happily right now as I writhe in pain. Other moments, I really am the strong and independent person that is happy being alone. Finally, we get to the moments where I feel like this-- you know, hella depressed about the whole thing.
Don't get me wrong, I WILL be okay, but I just hate to have to subject my readers to this. Sure, they can stop reading, but I don't want this to be the content all the time. It just has to be, because I'm using this as my outlet. Truth be told, I hope you guys will stick around for my progress.
You know what? I'm not going to be sorry for expressing how I feel anymore. This post is a Jessie depression post, and I'm okay with that! Everyone understands, and this will probably be the worst of it! I'm not gonna insult her or anything, but I don't want her to get upset with the post. And for my ego's sake, I can't lose her as a dear reader, either. Fuck, dude, I've gotten myself into a predicament, but that's okay...
...but I'm not okay. I just need to stay on the right track, and things will get better. These emotions are just temporary.
I'm supposed to be strong here, but the emotions just keep coming back. I feel so alone right now, so I hope that I can spend time with some of my friends during this upcoming week-- It's going to prove a challenging one.
I hope I'm not coming across as a total creepo in this post, by the way, but instead as a love-sick little boy.
I'm trying my best to keep it together right now, so I'm going to focus on happier subjects, if that's okay with you.
So I enjoyed my time with my mom today (well, technically yesterday)~! The day started with a knock on my bedroom door. On the other side was my mother, as expected. She was let in by my apartment-mate, Marquis after she had tried contacting me several times via call and text. I didn't recall my alarm clock going off, which was quite strange indeed. I later found out that I set it to 10 PM. Bummer. So I hurriedly got dressed, and we went out on the town. We saw a pretty decent movie at the cushy local AMC theater called Unsane. Afterwords, we went out to dinner where we enjoyed a lovely meal and talked. Then, she gave me a spiffy new haircut, and I gave her some insight into reading the tarot. It was a wonderful experience, and it reminds me that I'm not alone in this whole situation.
In regards to all of that, yeah, I know I have other friends, but my mom is just basically me, so she made me feel a lot better about this whole ordeal. I discussed my wrongdoings in the relationship and, so long as I have apologized for my actions, there's nothing else that can be done.
Speaking of, I didn't even get the chance to talk to Jessie today, and that totally sucked. Back when I was just broken up with her I read online that I was supposed to go 30 days without contacting her at all. That way, if there were any uncertainties in her mind about breaking up, she would have the time to think about it without me running my mouth and crying to her 24/7. Well, that plan didn't work out, because I couldn't bring myself to do it. I always get so excited when I see a message from her, and so I can't help myself. Shit, I can't even go a single day of not talking to her without feeling like shit. I really am pathetic at the moment, huh?
Well, there was probably more I could have put here, but I'm sleepy, so I'll bid you all a good night.
Oh yeah, and this whole post was an April Fools joke. Gotcha.
No it wasn't. :( I'm a forreal emotional boi.
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