Loneliness Will Keep Me Warm, Seeing as You Won't

It's been a few days, my friends. For the first time, I guess you could have probably said that you expected to see a post from me soon, given the events that transpired recently.

But I assure you, from the bottom of my heart that this will probably be the final post about Jessie. Thank you for sticking with me.

Here's a thing-- my readers have never commented on this, but they probably know about it; the titles of (almost) all of my posts are a reference to song lyrics. It's sometimes symbolic, but it's mainly a reflection of what I've got in my head or what I've been listening to around the time of making the post. Another thing: I sometimes "hide" hyperlinks to music tracks on YouTube. I must say, usually, the post is best experienced alongside the song I link, as it sets the tone and rhythm. The links are easy to find, because they're a different color than the other words. It's a quirky way of recommending my music to you all. Also, when I come back to these posts decades later, I can look back (perhaps fondly, or in utter disgust) and smile in reminiscence.

That reminds me... I often wonder about my future. Where will I be decades later? This blog has followed me for over five years, for better and for worse, and it's been the place where I've shared some of my deepest, darkest secrets (okay, not really). It sounds a little weird, but I kinda consider this blog a friend, you know? It's like an entity that I can tell anything to, and it won't judge me. I mean, not like I'd worry about judgement, or anything.

But let's get back to the music, and Jess.

So here's the thing-- after a traumatic couple of days, trapped inside my own head, I have come to the decision to let her go. I know, I said I was going to let her go in an earlier post, but I'm finally okay with it.

But what does that mean, exactly? Well, clearly, I'm not going to stop loving her. She's always got a piece of my heart, and she's the best girlfriend I've ever had. And as hard as it is to let someone I care about so much go, I simply must.

There was a night, about 2 days ago, where I thought that there was a chance for us. I fell into the usual state of mind I trap myself in: the thought that I can make things better, the self-assuring feeling of "I can fix everything I've done." But then, I thought back to something that she once said to me-- she said that the damage was just too much, and that nothing could be done. I didn't wanna believe her, and I kept fighting.

Ever since the breakup, I've been fighting to win her affection. It wasn't anything special-- I mean, I was just being very punctual in my responses to her, and I constantly assured her that I loved her and was there for her. Of course, I wasn't lying, but in retrospect, I could have asked her, "hey, how do you feel about getting back together," but I was terrified, because I knew the answer deep down in my heart.

Today, I was really close to sending her this song:

This song is by one of my favorite bands, This Wild Life. They're awesome, by the way, check them out for some awesome acoustic music.

The song is about someone that is struggling to get by in life, mainly financially, but also emotionally and psychologically. Despite everything in his life though, he is willing to sacrifice everything on order to have the love of his life. I'm not doing it justice, really, so just take a listen for yourself. But wow! It's just so powerful, and it really represents how I feel for her. I've never been so willing in my life to sacrifice everything I have left for someone, and it's my love that tells me that I totally would. That's how I feel, and that's how I've always felt about her.

But, as I was about to send it, a thought came to me. I was always apprehensive about sending things to her, out of fear that I'd be bothering her. She's definitely suffering as a result of this too, and I don't wanna make her feel guilty for her decision. Honestly, before, I just couldn't let her go. But as someone who loves her more than anything, that's what I need to do.

It sounds cliché, the whole, "If you love someone, let them go," and while a fraction of myself is wanting to complete the saying ("and if they return, it was meant to be,") I feel like I understand what's going on deep down inside her heart. See, I've gotten to know Jessie pretty well over these past couple of weeks while I was desperately trying to stay close to her, and I've gotten a pretty solid gauge on how she's feeling about me. To be honest...

She's just not that into me. Maybe I'm wrong, but I've got the feeling that she wants to move on, and who am I to stop her? I really do love her, don't I? So why am I being so selfish as to try to keep tabs on her?

I don't want this to be offensive to her, because she's a great person, but I made my decision because I need to heal, and I can't let the temptation of the person I'll always love from the bottom of my heart get in the way of that. To be honest, I'm obsessed and clingy.

But what does it mean to let go? Well, I'd say that I'm finally ready to accept the fact that we're probably never going to be together. I want to leave all of my guilt and anxiety over what I should have done at the door. She feels guilty about some things too, but I was willing to overlook all of that to get her back. I feel like maybe I've been doing more harm than good, though. I want to get over these feelings of needing her, because it will only do more harm to the both of us if I refuse to let go when she's made it all but clear that she doesn't feel the same way about me.

It's hard to think of happiness when you've already planned the rest of your life around one person. If Jessie wasn't the one, then who will be? Sometimes it seems hopeless, and I know that this process won't be easy for me, but I know I'll find someone else someday. But for the foreseeable future, I'm going to remain single to ensure that I fall in love with myself again.

I could go on forever, but I think that this is all I needed to say for the time being.

Thank you all, again, for sticking with me through this hard time, and the hard times to come.
Thank you to my friends and my mother (who just so happens to be one of my closet friends) for supporting me and keeping me grounded.
Thank you to my heart for allowing me to open up to another person once again.

And above all,
Thank you to Jess, for giving me hope when I need it most.

It has been a pleasure, you guys. I'm getting stronger by the moment, and I'm only gaining momentum! Expect normal, quality shitposts as usual when we see each other again!

Much love,

Jacob