Mayday, Mayday

This isn't going to be a huge post; I might have more tomorrow, though.

I don't know if I feel like talking about it or not, but life my life has been in utter disarray lately.

My roommates are getting worse, there was that whole thing with my cousin last week, my friend Robert's car got towed on Friday, I'm still pushing my friends away, and now.... there's this.

To the untrained eye, one might think that my life is always this insane, but what makes this whole situation a lot more alien and cosmic to me as that, ever since that one day, the world has been so scary.

Maybe there was no one day; there were many breaking points for me this summer. I guess the first was that phone call with my mom before I returned home. Then, there was all that bullshit with Chance (which, admittedly, by comparison, looks not so bad at this point.) Finally, there was that one night...

I'm not gonna fluff it up, and the story isn't very interesting.

I guess you can say I've stood resilient through all of these events, but it all came crashing down on me that one night.

After a particularly disgusting night of cleaning the sludge from underneath the server's station at work, I returned home to unwind for the night.

And then it just happened.

I just stopped caring. It came from nowhere at all. I felt paranoid, alone, helpless, and completely outside of my own life and body. I decided to abandon nearly every friend of mine in one swift motion, for better or worse.

And while this feeling is minuscule by comparison today, it lingers nonetheless.

That's what's scary-- I actually genuinely don't know what happened that night. I thought I had just gotten sick that night from all the bacteria of cleaning (even though I took all of the safety precautions before and during the cleaning process), and decided to sleep on it. Well, needless to say, that didn't help.

What DID help was quitting that medication. It seemed to be the bane of my existence back then, and despite my withdrawal symptoms, I felt so much more in-control.

But now, let's get to the meat of the story. Like I said, more info tomorrow.

Today, I just found out my mother admitted herself (with the help of my grandmother) into Holly Hill, a mental institution. My suspicions from one of my posts earlier in the summer [you're gonna have to find it yourself, I'm too tired to link it :/] might as well have been confirmed true.

This came as a shock to me nevertheless. Even though I've been seeing more of what's inside her exoskeleton lately, I never knew quite how deep these secrets (among others) were buried.

And perhaps, though my post, all was made clear.

Something inside would rather just live without knowing.

Something inside me worries about the future.

Something inside me assures myself that I'll be fine, despite everything.

But my mind is screaming, right now, "Mayday, mayday! The ship's going down." 

I don't blame her, because we're all human. I'm not disappointed in her, because she hasn't had it easy for years. I'm sad, because I know that her emotions have been hollow for some time. She hasn't been living as a human, but instead as a husk that continues to decay.

I desperately want to let her know that it's not over. It's not too late to live the way she wants to. She just feels so incredibly lost right now, and perhaps she's suffered more than I could ever imagine. It's always been me bitching about Chris' unstable mental state or my unstable mental state, but it could have been my mother who was suffering the most.

It's not her time yet. She still has much to see and much to accomplish. Whether this event marks the climax of a character arc, or the beginning of a new chapter entirely, I have faith in her.

Faith is blind belief without any evidence. It's not easy to fight against earthly desires, but I have to believe, no matter what. She's too good a person to let this happen to her. Despite everything, and even at her highest points, my family always held her rocky past over her head. How can a heroine die without redemption? How can one's soul truly be set free without reconciliation?

I'll talk to you tomorrow (which is actually later today)