But what I’m thinking of writing today is a little along those lines as well. It’s super empty in the Austin computer lab, and the air conditioning feels wonderful in here, so I think I might do some of my writings in here from now on.
When I say the word “change,” what do you think of? Because it can be anything. Change, to me, is a horrifying word because of how dynamic it is. It can mean something as small as switching what sort of laundry detergent you use to packing your bags, tossing your phone out the window, and moving to another country without telling your friends or family.
I guess this is the perfect thing to segue me into my next point:
I want to change.
And I know, I’ve mentioned it in my previous blog posts. I feel as though, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I’ve begun to make positive change in my life. It was hard at first; I would make a change, but wouldn’t stick to it for long enough to make it a habit or way of life. And that got me thinking—how do I make something permanent? How do I convince myself, the most unconvincible and lazy person you could ever meet, to make the right changes for my life? Hell, I’m sure that I’d let my disgusting lifestyle kill me before I’d ever make a change to living the life of an average, everyday person. And that’s not because I don’t want to… believe me, I’d love to. But whenever I try to live the “clean room and studies for school” lifestyle that everyone else lives, all to quickly do my old lazes come beckoning me back to the comfort of mediocrity. I think I’ve used that little phrase before in one of my posts.
And in my life, I can remember but one time I actually followed through with a plan I set for myself, and reaped the benefits of it.
It had to have been my sophomore of high school. I was a pretty large guy. Clichés about high school aside, I will admit that I got bullied a little bit. But that was just standard regulation; I got bullied my entire life, and it didn’t get to me the way it did back then. But that was before I met that one girl.
I won’t go into detail about her, but it was a certain person who I had a huge crush on. She and I were friends, and I finally confessed my feelings to her. She very quickly blew them off, not for any reason besides, “I don’t see you that way.”
I guess you can say that I got so fed up with not being able to find love that I realized that my physique, my obesity, was preventing me from getting a girlfriend. And so…. I just did. I think I lost about 70 pounds in a couple of months, and was happy and healthy as a result.
I’m nowhere near as unhealthy now as I was when I started that journey, but I’m getting there. Years have passed since I’ve thrown my health by the wayside, and countless times, I’ve tried to diet once more, to no avail.
But last night, after I’d fallen asleep. I met a girl. She seemed SO familiar, and yet I still can’t figure out who she is. She was thin, and had long, deep purple hair. We were in a dorm room, her room, sitting on her bed. She wrapped her arms around my neck, and pulled me into a passionate kiss.
This is another cliché: I can usually feel when I’m dreaming, and somewhere deep inside, I know that the dream isn’t reality. I know that I can do or say anything I desire in the dream, and face no consequence. I wouldn’t say it’s lucid dreaming, but it’s pretty damn close.
But last night didn’t feel like that. It felt more real than most things in my life have felt for so many years now. Lying beside that girl with the face that I remember but can’t put a name to, I felt like my life was given a little bit of purpose.
When I awoke, I put my shoes on and rushed to the grocery store. From today until I reach my goal, I’m a vegetarian. I’m keeping myself on a strict diet of certain foods that I allow for myself, and refuse to diverge from that path no matter what. I feel like, for weight-loss, it’s not about thinking about what you cannot eat so much as it is thinking about what you can. It’s a strict plan that I’ve made for myself, and I’m going to try it for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’m still going to be vegetarian, but I’ll try something else.
I want to give myself time to be released of my Earthly desires. Perhaps this much of a lifestyle can change me the way it did that many years ago. This is the first time I’m trying the Jacob special: “Starve yourself, but kinda eat healthy foods thrice a day.” I’m not making any promises, but I’ll let you know how it goes.
Much like staying up all night, one is willing to hit walls. Humans are intelligent creatures, and thus, I will try to justify to myself why I should cave into eating that delicious Three-Meat Treat from Little Caesars. Fortunately, once I get past those small walls, I can coast through. I applaud the level of mental fortitude I must have had back then. Here’s to trying once more.
See ya.
No comments:
Post a Comment