and it's been a while, friends.
You know, this blog is my homepage. I might have mentioned that at one point or another, but I feel that it's appropriate to let that be known. That being said, it's definitely been some time since I've posted.
When I'm opening a new web browser, I'm met with the top end of my most recent post. When I see it, I chuckle to myself, remembering sitting there and taking the time to write it. Such a transaction occurred just now. I can't say that I have any particular reason for having opened the browser-- maybe I was just going to watch YouTube or, as I more occasionally engage in, check out one of my many favorite subreddits. It's aimless, really. It's aimless and frankly empty.
When I saw that my last post had been in February, I couldn't hope but wonder if anyone read my blog. And if that's the case, I wonder if I disappointed anyone with my lack of regular content.
Sometimes, something will happen in my life when I'll say, "Oh man, I totally need to blog about this." Sometimes, it just slips my mind, sometimes it seems like a chore/I'm not in the mood to devote time to writing, and other times, I just draw a blank. It's not like I've ever tried to write this post before, but I guess this undertaking is symbolic of a more prevalent theme in my life.
College isn't easy. I mean, that fact should be obvious given how many of my close friends have fallen to the numbing curse of apathy for grades and class. I don't perform the best in my classes, and as much as I don't care about them (just in terms of my laziness), there's a part of me that ensures that I have the bare minimum of what I need in order to make the grade and chug along through school.
There's a feeling inside that scares me more than anything. I guess what makes it so disturbing is how little I understand it. The feeling I'm speaking of is my own personal sense of apathy I have for the important things in my life. This thought absolutely crushes me, weighing on my mind nearly every day of my life, yet I can't seem to correct it. Maybe I could, but how could I convince myself to even stick with it?
Sorry for being so ambiguous-- allow me to explain.
My mom fills out all of my online applications for school. Hell, she even pays for most of it. As an aside, I don't mind her paying for it, but the online stuff? Shouldn't I be doing that myself?
But that's minor in comparison to school itself. Firstly, I'm super introverted and am absolutely enamored and comfortable with my sedentary life glued to the computer screen. A lot of the time, I would legitimately rather play video games or otherwise be alone than hang out with friends when it involves leaving my house. I'm stuck in this numb sense of monotone glee when I'm feeding my internet addiction, even when I'm not having fun half of the time. But to be honest, now that I think about it, sometimes I don't even enjoy talking to and playing with my friends online. It's just a chore. I'm not like awkward or bored with them, but instead I just feel the sense of just wanting to be alone.
In school, I just make it to class when I can/feel like it, and try to get as much homework as I can turned in, but that's not the problem. When I get home, I feel saved by the thought of seeing my computer screen; I feel comfort in soaking the radiation of the keyboard into my skin. But that's just me being dramatic.
What I'm trying to say is that I have little to no motivation to do any of my school work or succeed in any capacity when I get home. Not outwardly-- no, I really REALLY want to succeed in school, but I just don't put in the effort in order to do as well as I can. I know I'm not giving it my all, and that feeling kills me inside.
Ever since I've been on Ritalin, I've slowly regressed into a state of comfort with being a shudden. Maybe toward what few friends I have left, I seem relatively normal, but I'm slowly withering away on the inside. It honestly all started when I took those pills, and reared its ugly head in full this past year. That's not to say I haven't had any good times though.
Thoughts of how inwardly miserable I am bombard my mind constantly, as they have been for almost two years now. But I didn't realize it until I saw those videos.
I'm talking about the vlogs I did for this very blog. Yep, those videos! A lot of those videos are actually unlisted, as I was actually just too lazy to post them before.
The person I was back then is the polar opposite of what I am now; I was a completely different person. I was outgoing and actually happy. In one video in particular, I romantically reminisced about my undying crush for Caroline, harping on the hope of a second chance I'd have with her.Then, I remembered what it was like to have problems as nice as those.
I think I've been at this post for a while, and I really need to sleep, but I'm going to use my unhealthy sleep schedule segue me into my next point:
I want to be the person I was almost three years ago, no matter what it takes. I want to do well in school, and overcome the petty yet over-controlling sense of laziness that I harbor within myself. And I think I owe it to myself to ensure that I'm happy and healthy, which is something I've neglected for far too long. I sincerely hope that it's not too late. Even though it's July, here's my list of resolutions that I wish to achieve before/during the next school year (in no particular order):
- I need to have a regular sleep schedule-- I often don't think ahead when I'm engrossed in a fun game. As a result, my sleep schedule is wonky as fuck. I'll often not get enough sleep, and if I do, I'll oversleep for class or time I could be spending with my family.
- I need to stop taking Ritalin-- I'm addicted. It's legally prescribed to me, but it's undoubtedly one of the major underlying causes of this depressions. I've come to terms with trying to quit this drug many times, continuing to take it with the thought that it's just for the sake of weening myself off. This has caused me to fail twice now, even though I DO need to ween myself off.
- I need to have the discipline to put school work before my games-- funnily enough, this is something that doesn't necessarily stem from this "depression," but more of a personal vice of mine. This will ensure that I live up to my potential (or something, at least).
- I need to learn and understand organization-- This is, again, another personal trait of mine; I've always been awful with effectively managing my time and other things. It would be to my benefit if I began consistently recording my assignments in a planner or journal so I won't have to rely on memory. I've missed plenty of assignments because of forgetting them.
- I need to get in shape and eat right-- It affects my mental health, there's no doubt. I eat a lot of fried junk foods and (as I've said above) live an almost exclusively sedentary lifestyle. I'd like to get ripped. You know, like I said in the posts in December.
- I need to confront my internet/video game addiction-- This kinda goes hand-in-hand with the third bullet point, but I simply couldn't ignore the fact that this addiction is the vehicle I use to escape from my oh-so-difficult school life every single night into the morning hours. I need to limit it, cut it completely, or flounder.
I think that's it. Thus far, I'm not doing too well on that whole sleep schedule thing, but I'm going to make a conscious effort to take care of myself from here on out on my quest to find the person I admire and adore so much.
I don't know what this song is actually about, but it came on my Spotify just now, and the chorus really applies to me right now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNqkc3mfMmg
I'll see ya. Thanks for reading. Later, gentlemen and ladies.
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