But enough of the doom and gloom.
I mean, I haven't blogged in forever. Maybe I should fill you in on what's happened over the past few months. Here's a little timeline for ya!
So first and foremost, I've "upgraded" my computer. I went with the quotes because the upgrade basically replaced everything in my computer. At what point does it become a whole new computer entirely? Is it the hard drive? Is it the cpu? Is it the graphics' card? Regardless, I managed to finish the project in a couple of hours (of course, after a couple of weeks of waiting for my parts). It cost around a grand to build, but holy shit, it's hella fast. I've got a GTX 1080 in this baby, which, if you didn't know, is one of the best graphic cards on the market! I might end up replacing the case with something more aesthetically pleasing in the future, all the while adding an SSD and/or another hard drive for some extra disk space.
No worries, I'm done with the nerd talk.
Well, I must confess that the aforementioned gloom followed me throughout the entire end of the school year.
I'm still talking to that chick from Christmastime. Not quite sure how to let her know, but I'm just not so sure how I feel about her. I mean, she's nice and hecka kind, but this might be the first time that I'm developing substantive standards for an inquiring partner. See, I always thought it would be kinda nice and sweet to have someone who was clingy. And maybe it's still something I think is cute, but with this girl, it's anything but cute. I personally find her somewhat obnoxious at times, and the conversations we hold are shallow to say the least. We have like a 146-day streak on Snapchat, and being kinda OCD-ish, I'd hate to break that streak, but I can't lie about how I feel. So that needs to end soon, I guess. I'll let you know how that one goes.
In other news, a couple of months ago, Chance and I started talking again. It's been pretty nice reconnecting and having someone to play games like WoW with, but this time is a bit different. How? Well, it's kinda awkward, and I hope he doesn't read this, and am therefore going to pretend he's not reading this when I confess that he's been acting like a total creep lately.
Chance is like super anxious and doesn't like to make friends. He hardly leaves his house, and definitely suffers from depression. Well, when he and I reconnected, he told me about how happy he was to have me back. He felt like there was something missing inside of him, and that me talking to him once more fills that hole.
Hey, that's not too bad. In fact, it's kinda sweet.
But then it gets weird. He starts bringing up these discussion topics that he has to emotionally prepare himself thirty minutes in advance for, which is rather annoying in and of itself. The most notable of these was this several hour long Skype call when he eventually lingered for an hour trying to tell me that he loved me and that he appreciate our friendship. This was accompanied by a weird presentation of Wikipedia articles that he read to explain love. It was just something about how canned and calculated the whole thing was that made it weird. It wasn't by any means disingenuous, no, but it was unexpected for sure.
But I guess that wasn't too weird either; it just merely left an odd taste in my mouth.
Later, that same night, we played a game called Tabletop Simulator. It's a really cool game, by the way; you can play almost any board or card game you can think of among other things. One of my favorite things to do with Tabletop Simulator is to assemble puzzles. It's wonderful, because you can add your own custom image, and a puzzle will be generated of it. Well, I guess I'd say it's a double-edged sword. So Chance and I were making some silly puzzles of photos we had on our computers like a photo of a grilled cheese that he'd taken once, when he asked what I thought of furry porn. In case you're not familiar, furries are cartoon animals, usually wolves, large cats, or dogs, humanoid in shape. For a better idea, see this link (SFW).
http://pm1.narvii.com/5873/bb10f42d0984d13e6a4c6e6b950c0e7ac489957e_hq.jpg
Well, while I've dabbled into some things beyond the normal "two people just banging" content, that sort of stuff is definitely not my style. I told him that I wasn't really into it, but it was clear that, because he asked me about it, he was probably into it himself, and I didn't find it weird or anything. It's the truth, honestly. He was super relieved to hear this, and imported a puzzle with the image of two male cartoon wolves engaged in sexual acts. It was kinda off-putting, but I guess it was fine now that I think about it. The whole time, though, he wouldn't stop talking about it. Saying that he loved and had collected many images from the artist who had drawn the picture. When I inquired further, I found out that the artist strictly drew male-on-male drawings. This got me thinking and asking a bit more about what he's interested in. I'm not quite sure 100% about his sexuality, but it's really none of my business, and I wouldn't judge either way.
But then he asked me to come over to his apartment. He has his own place alone, and it would just be the two of us staying there until I left. But I agreed-- and when the day came, I had my mom drive me over to his home. It started with a hug. You know, it's not inherently odd to hug a guy friend that you haven't seen in a while, but Chance isn't a huggy person. But then, as we sat on his couch, he put his arm around me and leaned on me constantly. This was okay at first-- I understand that someone who's had minimal human contact for the past several months could use some "cuddling" (ugh, it makes me sick just saying that), but it soon became just awful on so many levels. He always did this unprovoked, and it became really awkward and totally an invasion of my space. I started by giving him signals to back the fuck off because I just need my space. It just didn't happen.
When I wanted to sleep, he invited me to come sleep in his bed with him. That's when I KNEW he got the wrong idea. I quickly declined and told him that I was perfectly fine with taking the couch. Despite this, he begged and pleaded with me (to no avail, might I proudly add). When he gave up, he tossed me a blanket and a couple of pillows. I lie awake on his couch, completely shaken by his disappointed face. At one brief point, I must say that I feared for my life. I definitely didn't feel comfortable falling asleep. About fifteen minutes passed, and I was still awake, thinking. I heard Chance get up from the other room, and my heart skipped a beat. And in he came, dragging his blanket beside him. Without a word, he perched himself on the couch's ottoman that was directly beside me, and leaned on me.
This was the last straw... but I didn't want to strain the friendship while I was still in his house. I knew I only had to endure twelve more hours of this, and most of them could have easily been spent sleeping. And so I turned around, facing the back of the couch, and fell asleep. I'd already texted my mom, asking her to come and get me as soon as humanly possible the following morning.
I'm not gonna lie, it was one of the most uncomfortable experiences I've ever had to live through, and I swore to myself that I'd never go back to his place again. No matter what, I'm always going to find an excuse to not go when he asks me too. I cannot and will not put up with that again. Listen, I'm not into that kind of thing, but I'm not a confrontational person. I don't wanna hurt the little guy's feelings, but that's totally unacceptable and unwanted. I'm not gonna be emotionally blackmailed into showing affection I don't feel, and I'm not going to come to your place if it's mostly because you want to have unreciprocated intimacy with me. I WILL NOT DO IT.
But that was a couple of months ago, so I guess I've totally forgotten about all of that. I will say that he's lightened up on the "I love you"'s every night, which is good. It's not wrong to tell a friend that you love them, but the constant affection out of nowhere is totally inappropriate for the type of friendship dynamic we've always had. I don't want to take it to a physical or more intimate level. I never agreed to it.
Jeez, that was a lot longer than I thought it'd be. There's still plenty of stuff I'd like to share about my absence from posting, so I'll make this one a two-parter. Hell, maybe I'll even make it a three-parter. Probably not, though! xD
Anyhow, it was nice getting this off my chest. Pardon if the grammar and sentence structure seems lazy; I'm super tired at the moment. Thanks for bearing with me!
later
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