Hey all! How's it going? Well, I hope! Let's get right into it, shall we?
Now the truth is, I haven't been neglecting this blog as much as it seems. I've been writing posts that have been similar in style to my last post about Ronald Stump, but in all honesty, I just haven't finished them. Like seriously, though-- I've had a tab open for a literal 3 weeks writing a post about why I hate Runescape so much.
That being said, maybe I should just talk about my life.
So that chick from the post before last (you know, the one from the grocery store) invited me to celebrate her birthday. That's pretty cool I guess. But I don't know if I should go or not. She seems pretty hung up on relationship drama. I won't go into too many details for the sake of her privacy, but I have mixed feelings about what might happen tonight if I go.
The girl's become a pretty awesome friend of mine. It's definitely not like "bff" status, because I only really see her in class (classes are over now, by the way) and whenever I go to the grocery store. We're pretty cool with each other, and I really like who she is as a person. I feel like she inspires me to be better myself.
The thing is... well, it's complicated. I'm guessing it involves someone she likes not liking her back. The person she likes is gonna be at my friend's celebration, and she seems pretty uneasy about it. I don't want to express my feelings about it, but I honestly know how she feels.
It's this disgusting sensation in your bones that makes you want to be near a person that you'll never have a chance with. The only thing that guides you is that sliver of a chance you might have. I'm not saying that the person will never like her, but if it doesn't happen, it'll feel so much worse. I hate to see someone I care about getting bummed out over stupid shit like love. I know that you can't help who you're attracted to, and that one person feels like the only other person in the world, but it's so logically stupid.
Love has given me more trouble than it has good. I mean, when you're in a relationship with someone that you have feelings for, things begin to develop. Those are the feelings that we crave as human beings.
But what is love, really? I mean, if you completely subtract sex from the equation, you get... well, friendship? It's interesting how the mind is so in love with the feeling of being loved back. It's a drug that feels euphoric. That's been true in my experience. As soon as you and another person become a couple, things feel different. You now have an excuse to spend more time together, I guess, but what about love itself makes it different from friendship?
I suppose it's those gray areas-- the kissing, the cuddling, and of course, the sex.
For me, cuddling and watching Cowboy Bebop is probably the ideal date, but I understand that sexual tension is a huge part of dating and such. I feel so damaged myself, that I just don't want to love again. It's like the lyrics to that Mayday Parade song Terrible Things:
"So don't fall in love, there's just too much to lose. If you're given a choice, then I beg you to choose to walk away, walk away, don't let her get you. I can't bear to see the same happen to you."
It's just something I was thinking about. This is obviously not a complete thought, but it was on my mind. I've had some pretty heartbreaking experiences with love. Some of the things that happened were my fault, and others weren't. Maybe I'm just salty that I can't win, but I've learned to live and persist through the things that have crushed me the most in my life. I won't let people break me. I always have, and I'm fucking sick of it. I have to learn how to REALLY be happy alone. Only then, will I be ready for a relationship. The girl of my dreams is out there somewhere, and I hope I can find her someday. I hope more than anything in this world that I come back to this post in like 10 years and smile knowing that I'm with the one who loves me just as much as I love her.
Enough sappy shit, though. That got more emotional than I originally meant it to be. I guess I just got sad listening to Terrible Things. ;) I'm pretty sure I'll be going tonight, because I think Lisa is pretty cool, plus I bought her a present! I was just unsure because I didn't wanna get dragged into something that would be better if I wasn't involved. Wish me luck!
Life, life, life time! Well, over the time that I've been gone, I haven't really talked to Chance. I think I mentioned him on the blog before, right? Well, in short, he's been my best friend since 6th grade! I often disagree with him about things, but we know each other pretty well. We understand each other's humor, and it's honestly scary! He's a bit of an odd character: he's never had a relationship before, and he just kinda stays inside playing computer these days. Nothing wrong with that, but it's a little unusual for someone our age. Granted, he's attracted to girls and all that, but he never puts himself out there. It's interesting.
Well, anyway, I guess he just kinda stopped talking to me. I'm not sure what it was all about. I think we had an argument about something, and then we just kinda stopped talking. If you know me, I never text or message first. It's not because I don't like you, but I always feel that I make myself vulnerable by texting first. I don't wanna seem desperate or clingy toward anyone, so I just stop caring and never text first. If I do text first, it's extremely begrudgingly.
That being said, he just hasn't hit me up lately. And after a month or two went by, I contacted him via Battle.net. I asked him how he got his legendary on World of Warcraft, as he'd been playing the game recently. I didn't really care, but I just wanted to make contact. Like, I don't know what our disagreement was about, but it was pretty trivial.
He responded to me, and we had a little chat. I think he sent me like two or three messages, and when the conversation was over, he proceeded to not talk to me. Well, I don't know what to do. It's been wearing away at me, but I know that he asks our mutual friend about me all the time. He's probably waiting for some kind of apology or something. Listen, dude-- I don't know what's got your panties in a twist, but I don't feel the need to apologize. I'll take responsibility for something I did wrong, but I just didn't do anything. Maybe he feels that I don't owe him anything, but doesn't quite know how to bridge the awkward rift between us. Eh, he'll come around. I notice that I'm slowly detaching myself from the exorbitant companionship I was once fueled by my first year at ECU.
The classes have ended for the semester, and I'm pretty sure I did alright! I turned in quite a few assignments late this semester, which is pretty uncharacteristic of me, but I just felt so overwhelmed (but mainly lazy). Hopefully I can turn that around for next semester. I'm going to be doing 18 credit hours next time around, so I've really gotta get my shit together!
I have so much to talk about, but I feel like this post has gone on for long enough. As I wrote this, I felt kinda like a dick. It just feels to me that I'm staring reality in the face. I'm not happy, nor am I sad. I'm just meh. I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm alive. Maybe I'll be all cheered up when I return for my next post!
Hope you guys are doing well! I'll be sure to talk to you again sometime soon! :)
~Jacob
No comments:
Post a Comment