Watch Me Bleed

The other day while I was at work, probably sweeping the patio or something, I was thinking about a passionate argument that I had with one of my friends, Marin. This kinda sparked me to lay out my own philosophy on the matter. We spoke about self-harm and suicide. Our opinions differ greatly, unfortunately. I wish she'd hear my perspective of the matter, but I really can't genuinely express it. I'll try my best to do so.

 There's no doubt that self harm is a coping mechanism used to detract from an emotional burden mercilessly looming over a person's head. And obviously self-harming isn't the most productive solution. Maybe it works best, but self-harm isn't really a solution. Not all people who self harm are insane, but their parents might not exactly see eye-to-eye. My mom's first reaction to my self-harm was to take me to a therapist. I felt like nobody actually understood me. I didn’t feel like I could legitimately confess my situation to my mother, and when I explained everything to the therapist, even he couldn’t help me. I was astonished to see him just look at me and say “Hmmm. Even I don’t know what to do about that.” 

 But enough about my personal experience. The point I’m trying to make is, while self-harming is absolutely devastating, the oh-so-common “therapy” outlet may not be best for everyone either. 
I do, however, know that healthy alternatives exist. And those are the same things that make life worth living. 

 Before wrapping up the self-harm topic, I’d like to gently touch on the topic of suicide. I have really mixed feelings on suicide. Others might even call it controversial. I personally feel like suicide is selfish. Completely. In some cases, it may even be cowardice. Marin argued that suicide might be the answer for someone whose life is so completely hopeless. Almost like a merciful escape. 

Before I even say anything, I know that I'll probably never change anyone's opinion on the matter, but allow me to explain why I think the way I do. It goes without saying that there are people who have to bear the weight of the world on their shoulders, so to speak. People that have such tough and unbearble lives that I couldn't even fathom. But to be honest, suicide is never the answer. Seriously. 

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And no problem is worth dying for. There is no silver-lining, no heaven in the sky. When you die, you simply cease to exist. You lack the ability to have a concious, and you're no longer you. When someone kills themself, his or her hopes, dreams, ambitions, likes, dislikes, and everything else... Just dissapear. You're gone. Poof. 

Maybe that's what you want. But I don't give a shit who you are, no matter how insiginifigant you feel, your existence will leave a scar on the world and the people you knew. The impact you'll make on others is astounding. To share a personal experience, an old friend of mine committed suicide because her dad was absolutely absusive, and she felt alone, like nobody cared. I'm sure she didn't have any problems anymore, simply because when she slit her wrists and bled out, she was unable to ever experience any sort of feeling ever again. If anything, it's the permanent embodiment of misery. I guess her hopes of becoming a nurse, or the dreams of visiting France would never happen.

The greatest impact, she had made, however, was on not on herself, but on the people who are left to bear the memory of her. Losing someone you love more than life itself might just be the worst feeling in the world. Whether it's the death of your child, best friend, spouse or any family member, the pain is unparalleled. The ones who know this pain know that it the memories are more painful than death itself. 

No matter how much you think that no one cares, there is ALWAYS someone who will be impacted by it. And how selfish would it be to to leave the ones who care about you more than themselves with the painful nostalgia that was once you, your charm, your smile? 

Everyday, people are driven to commit suicide because they are harrassed, physically and verbally. Like all throughout Elementary and Middle school, I was, everyday, tortured, agonized for being fat. I was called names, and picked on all my fucking life. I'd come home in tears in middle school because of the kids on my bus calling me "fatty" and "tits". I was disgusted with myself. I wanted it all to end as their insults rang in my head. When I got home one day, I took a large, rigid carving knife to my arm. I vigorously lacerated myself until the I lost all feeling in my body, and collapsed on the floor. 

Looking back on it, I want to call myself stupid, but seriously, how would I have handled it otherwise? I was so young and insecure. And I was so carelessly willing to throw away the things I had dreamed of. I was willing to throw away the memories of those who legitimately cared. Of those kids who were actually kind to me. And I only cared about what the asshole kids said? I almost ended my life because of what some other mindless fucking children said to me? 

To be honest the courage it takes to continue living and loving through the hell you've been through is something that can change your life for the better. The key to becoming strong is to open your mind a little. Understand that this harassment is manmade. Nobody is more important than you, so what they think is absolutely worthless. To be strong, you'll have to spend some personal time with yourself. Learn to love and accept who you are, and with that comes the disregard for what other people think of you. The ones who nearly pushed you off the edge are the ones that you'll laugh out for having insecurities of their own.

I won't lie and say that it definitely will get better, because sometimes really shitty things happen, but the choices you make in life can take you to infinity. If you wish to achieve something, let nothing hold you back. The choices I made, losing weight, and loving myself enough to respect that I deserve to acomplish what I want in life, have helped me achieve a happy life. I know now that I now have the potential I still have, and am so grateful I didn't let it go to waste. I couldn't be happier to have the love and support I have now. Suicide is a choice you could make. And if you think nobody knows the pain, or if nobody loves you, you're dead fucking wrong. Let nobody ruin what you've spent your whole  life building. Because fuck them.

Self-harm, in comparison to suicide, is a lot less harmful. But why do you cut? Why do you burn yourself? Is it for attention? Are those scars cool to you? Or are you in actual emotional pain? I'm not trying to insult anyone, but when I see some of these people who cut thmselves to show those wounds off. Look at you! You're so cool with your cuts! Honesty, those people are an insult to those who are actually in pain. That's why I detest the "Line Project" so much. It's like, in a way (even though they're anti-self harm), they're glamorizing what some people who are seriously experiencing pain do to cope. I understand self harm, and why people do it, but as I said before, there are so many alternatives that can actually boost your self-esteem, and help you love yourself. Additionally, self-harming may just be the gateway to more harmful behavior like suicide. Of course my words cannot prevent someone letting emotions getting the better of them from harming themselves if they have the intention to, which is why it's important to realize that the problem is temporary, and your choices will make all the difference. 

Damn, I've been going on for such a long time. I've practically written a term paper in this issue. I don't feel like I made a strong enough conclusion, so I'll leave you with these words. If you yourself are experiencing suicidal thoughts, and you've made it up to this point in life, you've determined that you're strong enough to live on. You might be in a slump at the moment, and each person's situation is different, but I can say without a doubt that you're not the only one. As cliché as it may sound, there are others who care. I'm proud to say that I'm one of those people. I may have never met you, but I, to some degree I have been in your position, and I support you unconditionally. And if you have a loved-one is contemplating suicide or self-harming, let them know you love them. In a person's moment of doubt, he or she may feel unloved. Never let them forget how much you care about them. Because how awful would it be to lose the one you care about the most? No disrespect to those who have unfortunately taken his or her own life, but I hope to inspire someone to make a less-extreme descision. One that can turn out to be absolutely beautiful and breathtaking. One that person look back on, and be satisfied with. To experience that dream they had as a child. Life is too short to suffer. So don't let anything stop you. Happieness is on the palm of your hand. All it takes is a little spark to ignite it.